Growing up, I would have a few friends in school here and there but avoided all social interactions outside of school. So many times people would invite me to places, I would agree to meet and never show up. Others would call me to chat after school but I always kept it to a minimum and never returned the call. I had very low self-esteem and felt no courage to build relationships with others. The relationships I made when I was younger never lasted long because I didn't have good friends or I didn't put in the work. I had many friendships throughout the years that were one sided and I was content with that because it meant that I didn't have to be transparent about what I was going through. I was comfortable with being a loner and focused on my school work, goals, or projects that I worked on at home.
When I wanted to have fun with girls and guys around my age, I always piggybacked on my sibling's plans with friends, especially with my younger sister. My sister is three years younger than me and is one of the most outgoing and intriguing people I know. We were close enough in age that I was able to involve myself in her plans with people and spend time with others when I was up to it. I suffered from social anxiety, so she always made it easy for me to enjoy parties, random trips, and even vacations because she was the one who set things up and made these things happen. For many years, I was satisfied with her doing all the work with people while I got to just enjoy all the highlights those relationships had to offer. I found the work of relationships to be tedious and draining. I believed that I wasn't that interesting so I enjoyed being in groups and having the all attention off of me. The attention was almost always on my sister. It was also appealing to be the person who was always neutral in any group situation, never having dealt with personal disagreements and having people always seeing the best of me. To many people, I was non-threatening, likable, funny and shy. In other words, I was content in being Switzerland.
In recent years, I realized that I was very unhappy with the way things were as far as my relationships. When times were difficult, I had friendships that were either not benefical or were good people but I wasn't investing enough into our relationship. And so, I would go through rough seasons feeling alone and hopeless. Over the years I've developed a strong friendship with my now husband. It has helped me to learn about being honest, transparent and dependable in a friendship. Still, I realize that marriage isn't the solution to overall relational contentment. We were made to develop a loving and growing relationship with Christ and community.
As of late, God has been impressing upon my heart to be intentional in my relationships with others. Recently my focus has been strengthening my friendships within my community. I have learned the hard way that I cannot be who God calls me if I am a loner. I need to be involved in a community of people in order to grow. And it doesn't just stop there. I must be honest with others and be willing to show the vulnerable parts of myself. As we grow closer to the right people, we begin to sharpen each other in our pursuit of God.
So what does a healthy community look like?
1) Mentors - You need someone who is older in age and wiser that will guide you in your Christian walk. As you grow from a teenager, to a young adult, a wife or a mom it is important that you have someone who has experienced those circumstances and can guide you with godly counsel. It must be someone of integrity that you can trust. They will be helping you to navigate circumstances and situations with wisdom and prayer. These relationships will help you to be accountable to your calling.
2) True Friendships - Teenagers and young adults usually have a lot of acquaintances. It makes sense because you're experiencing things with groups of people. However, don't make these relationships your core focus. You need to establish and maintain godly friendships with people you admire and enjoy being around. Solid friendships are with people of the same gender as you that are going through similar seasons in life. They are not perfect but they are honest, open, God fearing individuals that care about you. They are people that add to your life instead of depleting it. A good indicator of a true godly friend is that you feel better after spending time with them. At times, you might have to do more work than the other person but you will always be encouraged and sharpened by their friendship.
3) Discipleship - We are also called to be there for others and encourage them in their Christian walk. I remember a couple of years ago when I worked at my church as a secretary. One of my favorite memories was the talks I had with younger girls that would stop by the office after school. They opened up to me and shared a lot of the things they were experiencing and sometimes asked for advice. I didn't know everything about the bible but I had many experiences to share and a passion for seeing them grow in their Christian walk. Through listening and advising them I had strengthened their faith and mine. I was also reminded of all the things God had done for me.
I encourage you to carve out time to listen and encourage someone younger in age or in the faith at church, school, within your family or maybe at work. Make yourself available to listen and to impart to them what you have learned from your relationship with Jesus. It is important to know that this relationship may grow into a friendship but it is not where you would necessarily divulge on personal circumstances. That is why you have your mentors and true friendships established as support and counsel.
If you can relate to my story, I hope you know you are not alone. I'm still working on my messy life even as an adult. You may not find your community tomorrow or a month from now. Commit to start small. Do what you can with the people that surround you. Pray about the relationships in your life and that God would give you clarity about them. I believed those prayers have been answered after months of asking for godly friendships. You are special and have unique traits God has given you that people are waiting to be blessed by. Do not give into a life of loneliness, everyone deserves the experience of growing and serving within a community.
"24 Let us think of ways to motivate one another to acts of love and good works.25 And let us not neglect our meeting together, as some people do, but encourage one another, especially now that the day of his return is drawing near." Hebrews 10:24-25 (NLT)
The best is yet to come,
Eleny