You might be familiar with that childhood song we all learn growing up in church, “Jesus, loves me this I know for the Bible tells me so...” You can sing along to the rest of the lyrics so easily, right? We go through our childhood and perhaps through our adolescence believing this but not really feeling it. Singing it, but not experiencing it. Let me tell to you those moments I where I understood and automatically knew that Jesus does really love me.
I was a little girl when this happened. The only thing I can remember from that experience is a red polka dot dress. I remember it had so much material that it covered my face and I couldn’t breathe. That itchy material made my skin so irritated. I hate puffy princess dresses for that reason. It brings me back to that horrific moment when my abuser took advantage of my innocence, my childhood, my weakness to do that, sexually abuse me as a child.
He made me put on my sister’s dress. To this moment, I don’t understand why. Did I become her for a moment? The only thing that brings me peace in such a strange way is that I am relieved that it wasn’t her. That she did not suffer. That she wasn’t the one getting molested. A few months ago I found a photo of my sister wearing that dress. I asked my mom how old my sister was, she said 4. I broke down. All of my life I thought I was older since I remember it so clearly. I was just 4 years old. But, viewing myself as hero and not a victim has brought me healing. Why do I say that? I say it because growing up I learned to cope with my trauma through music.
Music healed me.
I remember my first encounter with music. I found my father’s mariachi tapes and I fell in love with those vocals. I learned to sing on my own. I signed up for violin lesson. I feel that as a child, playing music blocked my trauma and those memories.
It wasn’t until high school when the memories and flashbacks started to manifest. I wasn’t sure If I was dreaming or if it was real. Whenever I experienced pain, disappointment, heartbreak, rejection, I somehow related those feelings with my experience. Until one day I attempted to take my own life by overdosing. Thankfully, my mother caught me and made me throw up. I’m alive and I am living a good life. Sometimes my dad would find me crying in my room. I couldn’t tell him why. I didn’t want my parents to feel guilty because they didn’t protect me. Instead, I just went to God. I knew there was someone out there, that wasn’t going to judge me and that he would keep my secret. I began to write my own songs. I learned to play guitar at 14 and since then I write songs that bring me healing.
Jesus Healed me.
Music was a tool for healing. However, the audience to my songs became the real healing. My audience was Jesus. Knowing that he was listening to me, touching my spirit, giving me those personal encounters you can only get in his presence was what Brough the most healing. He became my personal therapist and music my dialogue to him. I remember once in 2009 my friend’s mom spoke to the women in my local church, I happened to be sitting on the last bench. The message was, "Cry out to Jesus, pour your heart out, tell him what is it that you want to get rid off, and ask him to make you new so that those scars you look at (the past) may be removed." Those words really impacted my life because that was exactly what I was going through. She gave a story of a young woman who was blessed every time she went to church, but when she would come back home this woman will feel the same pain she felt before going to church. It was something that she couldn't get rid of, a cycle that went on for years. This woman couldn't move forward because those childhood memories haunted her every night, there felt guilt, pain, suffering and trauma. But one day she got tired of carrying that pain within her and she said "enough! I need to move forward and get rid of this pain that would let me fulfill the promises GOD has for me." So the next day on women’s event she rushed to the altar. The preacher had not done an altar call and she did not care if the preacher laid hands on her or not. She went directly to God . She confessed all her struggles and she was pouring out her tears as she spoke to him out loud. She did not care if others were listening to her confession or watching her cry. There was something amazing happening to her, God was healing her heart and removing her scars. I realized that that woman was me. I did the same when I came home. God was healing me completely. He had made me strong enough and bold to always go to him in times of struggle and pain.
After my healing the biggest blessing came down.
I always had felt unworthy of anyones love. I always thought no one would want this broken little girl. No one wants to deal with “drama.” A year later after my healing I met my husband. I understood, God want not going to send my husband until I was healed. I had asked him for that all my life. I would tell God please wait on my husband. I need to be healed. I want to be the best person. I never want to burden anyone with past hurt. I don’t want to bring baggage into a relationship. God did listen and God did exactly that! A year after my heart and mind was healed, I met my husband. He happened to live across the country. I remember making a list with my grandfather and asking him to help me pray for my future husband years before. When I met my husband he had everything on that list. But I never told him about it until I framed it and placed it in our house last year. God is so faithful. When my wedding day came God even sent a full rainbow. I teared that moment I saw it because of what a rainbow signifies, promise. God promised to me was that He would always sent people to make me feel loved and he would never let anyone break my heart again. My husband is amazing. I now enjoy traveling across the country whenever I want to see my family. I also have the cutest little boy in the world! That’s how much favor and blessings God can give you when you fall in love with God first. I don’t say it to boast about how good my life is, because it wasn’t always good. Sometimes I feel God is blessing me abundantly to make up for what happened to me as a child. I never blamed God for it. I always knew that evil existed and that evil people exist. God has given us free will to do whatever we pleased. Some people chose to be evil.
I am not saying that you will never encounter challenging situations and that God is going to make your life perfect after your healing. I had a heartbreak just two years ago when I lost my grandfather and God healed me all over again. There are going to be moments when you do feel sad, lonely, anxious, and all those feelings that come along because of trauma, grief and loss. However, when you step into the throne of God boldly, all that its put to ease and you can continue to live and give.
Never give up on yourself. Never take away your life. You will have a better life. You will find healing and most of all you will always be LOVED by your Heavenly Father.
Thank you for reading my story.
If ever find yourself in a similar situation, reach out for help. If you are dealing with suicidal thoughts you can call 1-800-273-8255 at anytime.